Monday, 21 February 2011

When I'm in charge

Policy #1: Coke is free in bars and restaurants, much like tap water

How to work it: It'll probably be a bit of a logistical nightmare at first, right, but with a shuffle around of current taxes and stuff then it should be possible to make it so that no-one loses out, and potentially we (me and my co-tyrants) gain, in this deal.
       First of all, coke (I should have clarified; I did of course mean Coca Cola, not the class A drug. More on that later) are going to want a big payout from us to facilitate all these barrels of their stuff that we are going to need. So we will amp up the taxes a bit on some other bits and pieces here and there to make up for that. If people complain its like, so what, you get free coke now? I'd happily pay an extra 22p per bottle of wine from Tesco, say, for the chance to have free coke with every meal or social function where I would be driving (theoretically that is, I should probably get a license first). Just imagine that. Coke, for free. You pay nothing, and get as many ice cold cokes as you want. Who would have water then? Only vegans and women, probably.
       Anyway, raising taxes may not be an issue. Because, luckily, coke is really quite bad for you. So now everyone is going on mad coke binges, bouncing around the streets powered by caffiene and sugar (diet coke is of course still full price in this scenario). At first they are just belching at each other and suffering from communal halitosis but it won't be long until their teeth are falling out when they chew anything tougher than a yoghurt, their stomachs are one giant, throbbing ulcer and they are one square of dairy milk away a from fatal diabetic coma.
       How is this lucky? Well, thank FUCK for the tory government that came before me, the greedy fucks, because they only went and messed around with the NHS. Now what with it being all private and that, they can charge whatever they like (I've only got a basic understanding of how this works because I don't care enough to research it, but I'm assuming that to arrive at this hunky dory situation, they will have had to greased some palms somewhere, so a portion of their revenue is more than likely going to be depositing itself into my savings account on a monthly basis). With this in mind, insulin will now be triple the price: want to silence the demons of your nagging coke addiction with a drop of the sweet sweet treacle that has snared you? Fill your veins with this so you don't die as you do it, only fifty quid a pop. Want to be able to chew solids? Here, we will fix you with some dentures to cover the crumbly stumps of your former teeth. Just sign on the dotted line, and hand us your pension plan. God, I'm going to be rich.
       There are obviously a few things to be worked out, but at the end of the day it is all going to be worth it, because EVERYBODY, literally EVERYBODY, simply cannot wait to be able to consume coke for free, day in day out, until it tears them apart, a giant shaft of hardened cola sediment rips them in two (much like the alien in Alien when it fucks that bloke's chest) leaving them a wasted pile of part dissolved, rotten flesh. Their dying words: " lemon please..."

They just don't know it yet.

Next week: Policy #2 and #3 - Why paedophiles should run after-school clubs and a new naming system for Britain's Motorways, based on T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land.


  1. This made me lol hard! Really great piece of satire there. Have you ever read swift's [i/]a Modest proposal[\i]?

    Looking forward to the next installment.
    Great blog (a percy)